I would like to take the time to share a little bit about myself and try to identify with those around me who sometimes feel they are trapped with no way out of the day to day chores that seem to be never ending and more and more impossible to achieve. I was trapped in that way of thinking for a good deal of my life and spent years looking outside for answers to my dilemma. My train of thought was that the world had done this to me and the world owed me some kind of compensation for all the wrongs it had done to me over the years. If Joe Bloggs hadn’t done this or Ann Fetamine hadn’t said that, or my parents had pandered to my every need then things might have been different. Truth is they would probably have been a lot worse. I can’t realistically blame anyone for the person I became except myself despite my trying to blame everyone and anything it’s just not so.
I came from a loving, caring family looking back on it. Most of my needs were met, but it was my wants that caused the issues. I was never satisfied and always wanted what the guy next door had, the new trainers, latest tonka toy, more understanding mother, more approachable father….so on..,..and on. Truth of the matter is I was actually lucky in that I ate every day, had clothes on my back and shoes on my feet and still I had the cheek to say it wasn’t enough. I suffered from the dis-ease of ‘more’ No gratitude.
My early years are a bit blurred but I can’t ever remember not getting what I needed or wanting for anything that would have been detrimental to my growing up healthy.
My teenage years were what most would say were standard, adolescent growing up chaos. I was unruly, arrogant and full of false pride, thought I knew it all which resulted in my learning nothing. Believed my family were disfuntional when in actual fact it was me that was not funtioning properly. I was wired up wrong in the head as I hadn’t been teachable and had missed out on some valuable lessons in life, whether it was through laziness, false pride, ignorance, arrogance or genuine lack of understanding and a fear of actually admitting that I didn’t understand. Because I had always tried to get it across that I knew best and you couldn’t tell me nothing my false pride had already started to determine my future by kicking in in a massive way and telling me it was all going to be okay, I could do this on my own. Don’t know about you guys but when a sentence comes out of my mouth starting with ‘I’ I’m probably already in trouble. Not only did I want what everyone else had but I wanted more than they had, and better, just wasn’t willing to put the work in to get it all….so with natural progression I became a little thief. I stole of my parents to buy all the things that everyone else had and try and fit in with the crowd. I stole from shops to impress that same crowd and get one over on them. This soon had the older guys ‘befriending’ me and I thought I was special and that they really wanted to be my friend. They gave me money to steal them things and I loved the attention. These were the guys that I had looked up to and wanted so much to be like so it was almost an ‘honour’ to be a part of their gang. At last I had found a group of likeminded people who wanted to be with me and made me feel like someone.
This behaviour of being whatever I thought I had to be to fit in became a second nature and I became the natural chameleon with so many different sides to me that I really and truly lost sight of who I was. I lost my direction, my identity and to cut a long story short, most of my teenage years, my liberty and any hope that I had of becoming anyone that would ammount to anything. I had lost control and I hadn’t even reached the addictions that were eventually to bring to my knees for real. I had tried glue, aerosols, drink and various other substances but had not found that ‘comfort zone’ that I so badly needed. Yes they all gave me something in that they changed the way I felt initially but not enough, I didn’t know it yet but total oblivion was what I wanted. And I was already on the right path to find it. I began to feel like an alien, hence became alienated, I felt useless and therefore became useless, I felt worthless and became worthless….in my head, but that made it real to me….IDENTIFY???
Then came the next stage of my ‘downfall’…. DRUGS!!!