As I said earlier, I always seemed to aspire ot the ones in life who were the ‘rebels’ or ‘outcasts’ and wanted so much to be like them and have the same respect they had, in my eyes. But in trying to be like them I was losing myself and becoming someone that I wasn’t. My identity was lost in the different faces that I projected out to all the different people i came in contact with and eventually it got painful. I was lost and getting more and more confused as my life unfolded. I couldn’t keep up the act and started to isolate and burn out.
I remember going through the recreational drug taking phase trying to discover who I was and what I was all about, again trying to fit back into the warped vision of the world that I had. Every drug I experimented with took me to a different part of myself that, at the time, made me feel like I had arrived where I needed to be. I went through all the drugs that were available to me at the time and found comfort in every one of them in a warm and enclosing sort of way and every one of them brought a new ‘family’ of people with it. But none of them ever filled that void thar I now felt deep inside. I guess I didn’t really have a clue what it was that I was actually looking for. And now know that even if I had, I wouldn’t have found it outside of self. I went through so many different phases in search of Kevin that when I eventually had that moment of clarity I was so far removed from Kevin that I am still trying to find my way back.
Eventually I had a drug for every mood and every moment and soon found out that, unfortunately, I am not one of those that can maintain or control my drug use. I do believe I have an allergy to drugs in that I don’t react the same as ‘Normal’ people do when I use, I don’t break out in spots or rashes either. What happens to me when I use is I break out in violent outbursts, twisted thinking, irrational actions, hospital visits, nights in cells and prison sentences! and regular visits to the local psychiatrist for ‘assessments’! Fun, fun, fun. I also end up all on my own in some random doss hole of a bedsit, only going out when I really have to. Pissing in bottles, eating out of the bins from the bakery shop on the corner, putting myself on offer every day to get a raise up and hurting those who have stuck it out with me because they are they only people I can get near enough to beg, steal or borrow from.
To cut a long story short, nearly every drug I have ever taken has become a problem in some way shape or form. Not just for me but for everyone around me. I took no prisoners. I had no morals. I ended up feeling alone, empty, cold, desperate, hurting and suicidal.
The end result was I became trapped in the ‘Live to use, use to live’ cycle which was really painful and the only thing I knew that would take the pain away was more of the shit that was causing me the pain in the first place. Addiction is the only condition that requires more of the root cause to cure the symtoms induced by the root cause. I felt trapped inside a body that was out of control and driven by a head that was so twisted in it’s thinking that even I was shocked at some of the solutions that it threw out ot my problems but was so desperate that I tried them anyway.
I needed help but was too ashamed to ask for it, and despite being floored, too proud to admit I was beaten. I was riddled with fear, shame, guilt and embarrassment at what I had become and what I was doing to get myself through the day. I ahd lost complete control and felt powerless over my own thoughts, feelings and actions. I couldn’t see a way out and death was almost becoming appealing as a means of escape. I tried to take my own life on numerous occasions but couldn’t even get that right!
I needed to find some kind of solution to my problems and was now realising that it wasn’t going to be found in a substance, not the way I used the substances anyway. I had spent most of my life in jails, various institutions and was dead inside. What was next??
I needed a solution.