A. N. ADIKT,
1 BEYOND LE GRAVE,
To whomever it concerns,
I was addicted to illicit substances for the best part of my life. I had struggled with addiction and all it’s surrounding issues for a number of years, trying all the available treatment options to address my addiction. Unfortunately, and I do accept that some of this was down to me, nothing seemed to work.
The last time I accessed support I was at the point where I knew that I was on my last legs and that something had to give. I was doing really well and did everything that was suggested because I didn’t want to die. I went to my local service provider and went through the brief intervention process where I was lucky enough to ‘qualify’ for a fast track. I worked really hard with my keyworker who gave me direction as best they could and over a period of time I got funding to go to rehab.
I found rehab really hard because it made me look at myself and I found someone who I’d been running from for most of my life but I stuck with it and learnt to love the person I found. I was lucky enough to get secondary funding and completed my rehabilitation. I learnt a lot about myself during my time in rehab and felt ready to put what I had learned into action.
I moved back to my local area and my old house feeling strong and ready to move on with my life. I had reservations about moving back to my old neighbourhood but there weren’t really many options at the time and I told myself it would be temporary, just until something else worked out. I had a great support network wrapped around me and I felt safe and like I was a part of something. I’d never felt that before and it felt good. Over the next few weeks I went to meetings and connected with my new friends. I tried to get a job but I had a long list of previous convictions that made this really hard so I went through the benefits system which seemed to take forever. I got in debt covering my day to day living expenses. Some of my old crew came round to my door but I either never answered or told them I was trying to change my life around. I was polite but some of them kept coming round. I found it really hard. It was almost as if everything I did or tried to do reminded me of where I had come from, my past lurked in every job application, on every corner, it was everywhere and in everything I did. But I had the recovery community wrapped around me and when I felt vulnerable I called a friend from the meetings to go for coffee or just to do something to ‘get me out of my head’ and that seemed to work, sharing my stuff with someone who really understood what I was going through and meeting with like-minded people was great. I never felt alone.
I was on my way to a meeting one night and I got hit by a car, I was in a bad way. They put me on a opioid painkiller in hospital. I ended up being in the hospital for quite some time. When I got out they gave me a script to ease the pain. I didn’t want to take it but the pain was so severe and I told myself that it was for medical reasons and was open about it in the rooms. There were a few warnings from people but then there were also a few who said it was okay as long as I was taking it as and when instructed and didn’t stay on it too long. I tried stopping it a few times but the pain was really too much and I went back to it.
I went in to get my script one day and the doctor was quite blunt telling me that he felt I had developed a tolerance to the medication and that he felt I should access my local drug service for support. He gave me the script but with it came a month deadline to access services for support. I meant to go to service a few times but I was so full of shame that I had been caught again by my addiction that I kept putting it off. My doctor stopped my script. He said he thought I was just playing a game and that the pain should have subsided by now, but it hadn’t. I went back to service the next day because I was really in pain and was starting to withdraw as well. It was unbearable.
The workers were really nice but it didn’t change how I felt. They made me an appointment to see a doctor for a weeks time because there was no earlier appointment. On hindsight I really wish I had gone to the service when my doctor told me to, but it was really hard to get about after the accident and to be honest I’ve always been one for leaving things to the last minute. I had another two days before getting in to see the doctor, I had managed to get myself a few pills to ease the pain from one of my old mates but not enough for the week because he couldn’t get any anywhere. I didn’t tell the mates at the meeting though, didn’t want them to know I’d relapsed. I felt so stupid and annoyed with myself. Those pills had run out and I couldn’t get anymore. I told myself it was only two days but the pain was really bad. My mate turned up the night before my docs appointment and told me he had a bit of gear on him. I said I didn’t want any but every part of me said I did. Just a little bit to ease the pain so I let him in. I went to the kitchen to get some foil and didn’t have any. I was in too much pain to walk to the shop it was miles away and my mate couldn’t be bothered. He cooked up the gear and gave my my little hit. I know I should have phoned my friends in the fellowship but I just wanted to get rid of the pain.
As soon as the gear was in my system I felt the pain leaving my body, it was such a relief but then I felt myself losing consiousness, I knew I was going and tried to get my mates attention but he was over on the sofa gauging. I couldn’t talk, just managed a gurgle. I was going and I couldn’t stop it.
The next part is a little bit blurred but I remember feeling relief that the pain had gone. I remember my mate jumping up off the sofa and shaking me, I remember thinking leave me alone, I feel okay, I remember him panicking and calling an ambulance then leaving, I remember him shouting as he left that he was sorry but he had warrants out and didn’t want to go back to jail. I remember wondering what the fuck he was doing and wondering where he was going but thinking thank fuck he’s gone he was on one…..
I remember just lying there numb and peaceful…..
I remember looking down on myself thinking that I looked really peaceful…..
I remember the ambulance men coming in and saying they were too late…..
I remember trying to talk and not being able to…..
I remember them saying they had been given the wrong address…..
I remember them saying they had spoken to my neighbours and eventually found out where I
I remember the zip going over my face and the darkness that came…..
I remember hearing my mum and dad crying and the feeling of being of being lowered down….
I remember my little sister shouting that she loved me and missed me….
I remember reading about Take home Naloxone….
I remember that guy who said it’s coming we just have to go through some red tape…..
I remember thinking if only my mate had had some….
I remember my dreams…..
I remember smiling and telling my mum everything was going to be okay….